I'm horizontal.

But not in the Enrique Iglesias-violation-of-Ms. Anna Kournikova "Escape" video horizontal.



Reason numero uno being, I am man enough to rock a facial mole. Enrique lasered off his glorious, hairy, brown mound. Sell out.

But the reason primarily being, because he's seducing Anna Kournikova, and I'm recovering from foot surgery (and in all honestly, I'm not jealous. Anna doesn't do it for me, and I personally don't think she does it for Enrique either.) Either way, yesterday morning, I had a bone chip and scar tissue removed from the outside of my right foot, otherwise known as my calcaneocuboid joint. Since then, I haven't left the couch.

I'm in an ugly, gauze-colored cast, surrounded by my laptop, a couple novels, painkillers, and uncomfortable pillows... those back-aching pillows whose main purpose serves aesthetically, rather than functionally. Unfortunately, the leather couch beneath me keeps my sweating constant, as do the pain pills. The musty air of our 100-year-old house suffocates any chance of me getting fresh air. On top of that, my terrible case of heartburn seems to be lingering, a side-effect stemming from laying down all day long.

(Enter your feelings of sympathy. Apathy accepted as well.)

This is my second foot surgery in six months, and hopefully my last. At the end of this recovery, I'm attempting a move out West. I've been in and out of talks with my aunt and uncle in Topanga, all while praying for the opportunity to stay in their mountain villa. They're juggling four kids under six years old, so kicking it on their couch is much more feasible in conversation rather than practice.

Anybody in the market for a roommate?