A library visit more intense than Rush Limbaugh doing... anything. No, really. Imagine that guy brushing his teeth.

Just renewed my library card. Super stoked.

"Books like my rims, yo."

I'll get back to you on what that means exactly (but you can still marvel at how cool it sounds).

Funny thing happened, though, when I was renewing my card:

I was still in the system.  From seven years ago.

"I'm still in the system?  It's really been about seven or eight years since my last visit."
"That is a bit funny.  Hm.  Usually people only stay in our system for about a year after their card expires."
"Guess you guys thought I'd be back, huh?"

Then, suddenly, the scene changed.  A quiet calm came across the librarian and the dewey Chicago atmosphere (No, it's not an outdoor library.  Just go with it).  It became less "exactly what you think of when you think of library" to "serenity before game-changing bomb-drop."

(Reader - Breathe.  In and out.  I know this is intense.  I have, what you would call, a Mastery in Forshadowfication.  Just bear with me for a little longer.  Remember... breathe.)

The librarian's gaze into the computer became much less "squinty" and way more "Ohhhhhhhhhhh."  I could tell she had our answer.  Time stopped.  The minute hand on the clock started to turn counter-clockwise. 

Or in this case, since we're already talking about a clock... It started to turn counter-wise.

The librarian's mouth started to open, and... Words.  Came.  Out.

"You have an outstanding fee of $3.35."

Bomb, officially dropped.

I fumbled for the correct response.

"Oh, uhh.  Yeah... lemme get that."
"Sure."

A bit of awkward time passed while she was transacting my transaction and renewing my card and gazing.  She then gave me my new card, along with the extra-useful keychain attachment.

I said "Thanks," and started to walk towards the door.  But instead of opening that very same door, I turned and asked an utterly important question:

"This doesn't go on my credit report does it?"
"Oh?  Haha."

I guess I wasn't being taken seriously.

"No, I'm serious."
"I'm really not sure."

Damn it.

In related news, I'm the new poster boy for FreeCreditReport.com.

Damn it.