Just renewed my library card. Super stoked.
"Books like my rims, yo."
I'll get back to you on what that means exactly (but you can still marvel at how cool it sounds).
Funny thing happened, though, when I was renewing my card:
I was still in the system. From seven years ago.
"I'm still in the system? It's really been about seven or eight years since my last visit."
"That is a bit funny. Hm. Usually people only stay in our system for about a year after their card expires."
"Guess you guys thought I'd be back, huh?"
Then, suddenly, the scene changed. A quiet calm came across the librarian and the dewey Chicago atmosphere (No, it's not an outdoor library. Just go with it). It became less "exactly what you think of when you think of library" to "serenity before game-changing bomb-drop."
(Reader - Breathe. In and out. I know this is intense. I have, what you would call, a Mastery in Forshadowfication. Just bear with me for a little longer. Remember... breathe.)
The librarian's gaze into the computer became much less "squinty" and way more "Ohhhhhhhhhhh." I could tell she had our answer. Time stopped. The minute hand on the clock started to turn counter-clockwise.
Or in this case, since we're already talking about a clock... It started to turn counter-wise.
The librarian's mouth started to open, and... Words. Came. Out.
"You have an outstanding fee of $3.35."
Bomb, officially dropped.
I fumbled for the correct response.
"Oh, uhh. Yeah... lemme get that."
"Sure."
A bit of awkward time passed while she was transacting my transaction and renewing my card and gazing. She then gave me my new card, along with the extra-useful keychain attachment.
I said "Thanks," and started to walk towards the door. But instead of opening that very same door, I turned and asked an utterly important question:
"This doesn't go on my credit report does it?"
"Oh? Haha."
I guess I wasn't being taken seriously.
"No, I'm serious."
"I'm really not sure."
Damn it.
In related news, I'm the new poster boy for FreeCreditReport.com.
Damn it.
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Oh, libraries...
ReplyDeleteIt was an exciting day when I finally returned their books and my fine went from $110 to $30.
And speaking of Rush....
ReplyDeleteIn a healthy country populated with an intelligent, enlightened citizenry, Rush Limbaugh would today be standing on the bread line - right behind (or perhaps in front of) Sean Hannity, Michael "Savage" Wiener and Ann Coulter. He probably would have ended up as a used car salesman or a clerk in a liquor store. His opinion would not have been taken seriously by anyone except maybe a sympathetic bartender. Some bartenders are pretty good psychologists not to mention being fairly adept at feigning interest in the most boring of topics.
There is a gentleman named Bill Vaughan who used to tend bar at the old Orange Inn Tap Room here in Goshen, New York. Heaven knows how many hours the poor guy spent listening to me waxing inebriate on all matter of subjects from the deplorable state of American politics to the age-old question as to who was the funniest of the two: Stan Laurel or Oliver Hardy? I would imagine that in a perfect society, no one other than a patient, world-weary and kindly mixologist would ever have bothered paying any attention to the opinions expressed by the likes of Rush Limbaugh.
You've got a cool little site here. I stumbled upon it quite by accident.
All the best,
Tom Degan
http://www.tomdegan.blogspot.com
Whew, I was vicariously afraid that the punchline would be that what you understood to be $3.35 was in fact a fine of $335. That would be a serious level of Limbaugh-trumping intensity.
ReplyDeleteAlso, a word to the wise: never actually use sites like FreeCreditReport.com. You're entitled to an annual free credit check from any of the free government agencies (annualcreditreport.com); all the other heavily advertised sites offer you "free" reports, but bill you every month in hopes that you won't notice. Often they also make it intentionally difficult to cancel service.
The library here tried to say I checked out like 20 books in 1979 and never returned them. Couple problems with this:
ReplyDelete1 - I didn't have a library card in 1979. Because I wasn't born yet.
2- Why do you they have records going back all the way to 1979? Just buy some new books all ready. Vanna White's autobiography ain't all that.
Turns out it was a computer glitch, but still, funny.
People will always remember you if you owe them money. Sad truth.
ReplyDeleteahhhh hahaha, that is so funny. I feel that way whenever I go to Hollywood Video & Blockbuster - haven't been since I was about 15 but every few years I go and try to rent - always some cap on my account. :)
ReplyDeletePS I've been looking for a guy's blog to follow (I mainly follow girls), looking forward to reading the other side!
http://candyflosspersie.blogspot.com/
This post made me laugh. I remember the first time I forgot to return a rental to the video store. It was over Christmas and the darn thing got lost in a pile of wrapping paper. I returned it with great trepidation. I assumed the punishment for such a heinous crime would be a lifetime ban from renting new releases and a complete shunning from civilised society.
ReplyDeleteIn the six years since then, I've become a rental fiend, returning things on average four days late.
I hate the person I've become.