... but I only wear the skirt on the weekends...
and holidays. Shit... boys fill yards because of my milkshake.
But my plaid rags and dairy-dessert aura are taking a back seat to my current state: giddy.
It's football season. And no, I'm not talking about the nonsensical crap that college teams play on Saturdays. I don't pay attention to sports whose most grand honor gets decided by people who aren't even in college. Thanks BCS. Your greed decides national champions. Get your head out of your selfish ass, and start making your sport's championship about effort and skill rather than Benjamins and Ulysses.
It's all about Ulysses S. Grant, baby.
But onto what's really important: the National Football League.
Specifically, the 2009-2010 season. If you've been living in Moscow (or under a rock... har har) then you've missed one of the most ridiculous offseasons in the league's history. Which only means that the season itself will predictably be one of the most interesting of all time.
My current list of specific excitements:
Uno - Los Chicago Bears
They're my team. Forever and ever. They've also failed to have a decent quarterback forever and ever. Jay Cutler's in town, and although I've had my fair share of social headbutts (post to be written later) with Jay, my forgiveness can be bought with two Super Bowl rings.
Dos - Senor Michael Vick
Stud-footballer turned pothead turned dogfighter turned convict turned ex-con turned back up quarterback turned... question mark. Yes, question mark. Because Philadelphia's been ungrateful towards current quarterback Donovan McNabb for so long that, if things go south for the Eagles, he may get benched for someone whose been in jail for the last 18 months.
Tres - Brady's Back
Women, start drooling. Giselle has to share her man again. Tom Brady's record-breaking season two years ago was followed with a blown out knee in the Patriot's opener. Finally, Tom's back, and I'd be scared if I was anyone else in the AFC East. He's going to roll over all of you.
Quatro - Brett Farve
Being a die-hard Bears fan, he's technically the Joker to my Batman. And somehow, the asshole's back in the NFC North. After "pretend-retiring 37 times," as reported by dickipedia.com (yes, real), he's returned as a Viking in a gigantic-Eff-you-Packers-move unrivaled by any team-switch in sports history. This would be like if Heath Ledger played the Joker in 15 Batman movies, faked his own suicide a couple times between the filming of the last two or three, then taking the role of Two-Face and completely butchering it because of his lack of preparation, faking his suicide 2 or 3 more times, and then coming back for one more Batman film to play the Penguin, and once again butchering the role because of his lack of preperation. Like I said - asshole.
Cinco - Chad Ochocinco
He's bound to do something insane. He's already making threats via Twitter.
Seis - Everybody else.
There's so many other storylines ranging from Oakland's deeper fall into loserdom to Plaxico's, Pacman's, Marvin's, Donte's (list goes on) run-ins with the law that make all of America scream, "YOU HAVE EVERYTHING!!!! YOU'RE ALL MILLIONAIRES!!!! WHY ARE YOU (insert avoidable, idiotic crime here)!!!!!!!!!"
If the league keeps this up, we're bound to have a year even more memorable than Janet Jackson's '04 "wardrobe malfunction." Looking forward to what happens next.
Viva los Bears.
oh, you lost me on this post. i'm a typical girl when it comes to footbal. sorry. can you write something about...hmmm....cheese?
ReplyDeleteI too am a typical girl when it comes to football, except for the whole having a penis thing. But I do recall having seen Los Bears play, if I'm not mistaken, in the 2007 Superrr Bowl in an Irish Pub in Madrid. And I only know that because these three adorable girls we dubbed "the ChicaAhgo girls" wore their little pink Bear's jerseys that they brought from home to the pub. If I had been homesick for the states, that would have been comforting. Who won that anyways?
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