Really? You're gonna do that? You're gonna act like that?

[for the brand new, already chart-topping hit "I Will Survive (a near-death experience at a Chicago Fire game)", scroll halfway down the post]

My recent release back into society has been quite interesting.

A great time, of course.  I had a (crazy) Canadian named Sebastian and an (even more crazy) Iowan named Abigail visit me this weekend.  I met my first blogger friend, hit up the Chicago Fire game, Oktoberfest, Boundary for the Bears game, Sears Tower observatory... pretty good.  Seb, Ab, and I even took a morning after family photo.  'Tis pictured above.

But things weren't "all good," as you kids would say.  This weekend seemed to be filled with a general lack of human-to-human respect.  I'm unsure if this was just an "as of lately" sort of deal in the moody city of Chi, but people have really upped their abilities to act like total dicks.

Deli Story

I was at the grocery store and the deli lady snapped at me for pointing out the flies in the meat and cheese section.  Went like so:

"You have some flies in your meat casing there."
"Yes.  Ugh.  I know.  You don't need to point it out." (read it again, but snarling this time).

But the story twists - she proceeded to apologize for the fly problem and her attitude 180ed as soon as she saw I was wearing a boot...  I mean, really?  Pity?  I was buying her Summer Sausage and Monty Jack regardless (I've dealt with more disgusting things in Spain).  Lady, just be nice to everybody. 

And it's not like I was killing myself over it, but I'm a valiant supporter of "it's the little things make people happy."

Chicago Bears/Boundary Story

Five of us headed out to The Boundary on Division to see the Bears game on Sunday.

We walked (I hobbled) up to the bar and found five open bar stools right in front of the TV playing the game.  Any Chicagoan knows this is a monumental discovery during a big Bears game, so of course we tried to take advantage.

The only obstacle was that the fifth seat was separate from the other four.  Occupency went like so:
1.  Open Seat.
2.  Open Seat.
3.  Open Seat.
4.  Open Seat.
5.  Taken Seat.
6.  Open Seat.

**And my post just got interrupted by my ma coming home with four Bears tickets for this Sunday's game.  I love my life.  I bet this guy-I'm-about-to-talk-about's ma didn't come home with Bears tickets.  Karma bitch.**

Either way, I asked the Man in Taken Seat if he could move over a stool.  Here's how it went:

"Excuse me, sir.  My friends and I are trying to sit together.  Would you mind moving over?" (now just like above, reread this, but in the nicest voice ever... I mean ever)
"..." (no answer)
"I don't mean to bother you sir, but..."
"You're not bothering me.  I'm just not moving."

Stools # 5 & 6 were right in front of a gigantic TV.  Unless this man could only see out of the very right corner of his right eyeball, it would have physically made no difference.  And he was there alone.  I was officially primed for a verbal and physical rebuttal.

So I proceeded to take Stool #6, and, ever-so-slowly-&-annoyingly, jam it in between Stools # 4 & 5, all while muttering things like "Just had foot surgery...,"  "How rude...," and the ever-so-popular "Muhhh."

He slowly inched away, until I barely fit it into the desired slot.  (That's what she said).  I gave a flat "Thank you."  Event over and da Bears won.  All's well that ends well, but still, why can't we just play nice?

Chicago Fire/View Obstruction Story (/song)

My last result-of-this-weekend rant is about my experience at the Chicago Fire game.  But instead of telling you the story through straight-posting (south side say "str8 postin'!"), I've rewritten the lyrics to Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" and renamed the song "I Will Survive (a near death experience at the Chicago Fire game)."  Enjoy.  I've even included the instrumental so you can sing along.  After all, "interactive" is the new "sexy."

And no, I am not a songwriter, so get off my ass about "rhythm."  I wrote this angry.



At first I was on
The Miller Party Deck
Kept thinking I was just so hungry
I could really use a snack.
So then I took ride up, up the lift
to the Concession Stand
Just like a man
Getting nachos was my plan.

And so I bought
the loaded chips
Then I walked over to the guard rail
I can really move my hips!
But I should have went back to my seat
I should have left that view
If I had known for just one second
That I'd straight run into you.

(refrain start)

So you stood right, in front of me
And you were so big
that I could barely fucking see
You were such a dick, you wouldn't move, you were so ever mean
you thought I'd back down
you thought I'd cry and leave the scene


Oh no, not I
I will survive
A near death experience at a Chicago Fire Game
I know I'll stay alive
Yeah, sure you're 6'5" and 2 bills
Your tattoos give me the chills
but I'll survive
I will survive

Hey Hey

(short intermission/rollerskating-dance party)


It took all the strength I had
to give you this lip:
"Hey man you're in our way, honestly sir
You're being quite the dick"
So then he turned around and snarled
Started backing his own shit
I almost cried
But then I held my head up high!

But before I
Could say word
Security grabbed his ass and then I said:
"Good riddance you basterd!"
Next time you'll think so damn long and hard
About causing such a stir
Cause the only view you'll be seeing soon:
Soap in the jail shower!
 
(back to refrain)
 
(twice, duh)
 
Long live the king. 
Booyakasha.
Give it away.  Give it away.  Give it away.  Now.